


I laughed till I cried

by LessthanLuna



Category: Supernatural
Genre: College age Cas, Facebook made me do it, Fluff, Gen, Paramedic Dean, Sex Toys, They don't get together here but If I continue they will, semi crack fic, what even is this?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-18 18:32:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9397724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LessthanLuna/pseuds/LessthanLuna
Summary: Castiel has been single for a while.... Which turns into loneliness .... which brings something he never expected.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This idea comes from a sex toy review that was posted on the Destiel Forever group on Facebook. I own absolutely nothing herein and wrote this purely because my brain is a little sketchy.

Castiel had always been different. He had come out to his family as gay a few years ago. They hadn't exactly been hadn't been happy about it but they pretty much left him to his own devices which was fine by him.  
Castiel had also been single for a while. This combined with a late night shopping binge on Amazon had caused a bit of a problem as of late. Well really not lately, just…. currently. The Brobdingnagian rubber phallus sitting on his desk causing all kinds of mini nightmares being the literally BIGGEST cause of his problems right now.  
Castiel looked in vain at the packaging and bill again to see if there had been some mistake.  
"They really should explain the sizing on these things. It was not my intent to purchase a sexual traffic cone."  
Suddenly there was a knock on his door and Castiel scrambled to hide the latex monstrosity before he was forced to explain. This proved to be a fruitless effort since his brother Gabriel was at the door. 

"Hey little bro!"Gabriel announced. "We're all getting ready to--- WOAH!" Gabe could practically smell impropriety so of course he managed to find Castiel's new "toy" as though Cas had put a neon sign over it rather than a box.  
"What the hell are you planning on doing with this thing???? Playing Vlad the impaler in the bedroom, eh?" Gabriel asked, wiggling his eyebrows and causing Cas to turn a delicate shade of fire engine red.  
"It was an accident Gabriel. I have no intentions of using that thing!"  
Gabriel grinned slyly and popped a sucker into his mouth.  
"Whatever you say kiddo. I was just coming to let you know we're all headed to Alfie's football game. Looks like you'll need that time alone." He smirked glancing down at the colossal imitation baby maker.  
"Gabriel…" Castiel started tiredly  
"Gotta go!" Gabe announced before skipping out of the room.  
Castiel placed the gigantic love muscle back on his desk just as he heard Gabriel and the rest of his family pull out of the driveway. He hadn't lied to Gabriel, he really had no intentions of using but…. he had paid for it hadn't he? And he was he not all alone in the house? What a better way to spend his time than with a little healthy exploration? First he would need lube….. Lots of lube.  
After taking some time to stretch himself out and opening himself to the point where he felt ready to give it the old college try, Castiel had to take a moment to figure out where to best attempt this adventure. (Admittedly, yes he probably should have done that first but there was no point in starting to think things through NOW. If he did that kind of thing he wouldn't be looking for a place to mount an enormous counterfeit ding dong!) He decided the door seemed like the best place and set to attaching the suction cup. When it seemed sturdy, he grabbed his iPod and selected his favorite playlist. "Eye of the tiger" starting pumping out of his headphones and he had to resist the urge to air guitar. He did only have so much time after all.  
"OK." He said psyching himself up. "Just a little at a time"  
It burned as it stretched him plus, it was big and awkward. If he was honest though it wasn't nearly as bad as he thought it would be. (Considering he'd been nightmarishly envisioning being split in two.)  
"Rising up, straight to the top…."  
He started rocking back getting used to the feeling.  
"Did my time took my… huuuunnnghhh"  
He took a bit more.  
"Don't loose your grip when you… haaaahhhh"  
It actually didn't feel too bad there.  
"You must fight just to keep AAAAAAHHHH!!!!"  
Before Castiel knew what was happening his not unpleasant time had become just that as his toy was ripped out taking what felt to be a large portion of his anal cavity with it. While he tried to orient himself, he realized he was staring into the terrified eyes of his grandmother.  
He managed to notice she was not only wide eyed but clutching her chest before she slammed the door closed. This wouldn't have been a problem except the duplicate disco stick he had been previously easing himself on to had just made an explosive grand entrance. If he managed to live through this he would have to remember to tell Gabriel he was right, he was in fact being impaled.  
Castiel knew his grandmother was not doing any better on her side of the door than he was on his. His only option was to first make every attempt to extricate himself as gently as possible, (It wasn't)  
Try to put something on to cover himself, (yeah right), and get himself and his grandmother the help they needed. (And exactly who was that????)  
After managing to get down and covering himself with the (soon to be ruined) sheet from his bed, he managed to (slowly) crawl out in the hallway to his now apparently comatose grandmother who luckily remembered to wear her life alert necklace. He pushed it for all he was worth and the laid down on his stomach to wait for help….. Sitting wasn't exactly an option right now.  
His head snapped up when he heard a knock on the door.  
"Hello! Lawrence fire and rescue!"  
Castiel heard a voice shout from downstairs.  
" We're up here!"  
Steps up the stairs soon followed along with some paramedics curious about the scene before them. Castiel couldn't exactly blame them. He was covered in blood and lube from the waist down, laying with a grandmother who he may have unintentionally killed. It raised a few questions to be sure.  
Obviously being unconscious, his grandmother was in a more urgent state so the older bearded man and the guy that appeared to be a bearded teddy bear got right to work on her. The younger looking blonde came over to talk to Castiel. He squatted down to get on Castiel's level.  
"What's going on buddy? My name is Dean. What's yours?"  
"My name is Castiel."  
"Huh OK. Castiel, can you move at all?"  
"I probably can Dean, but uh…. I'd rather not….see… uh… you should probably go look at my door first."  
The blonde man, Dean, looked confused but stood up.  
"Which door?"  
"The one right behind us."  
"Whoa…. Ok. So uh", he coughed covering up a laugh, "so what happened?"  
" Well you see Dean", Cas blushed furiously, "I accidentally bought that monstrosity on Amazon a few days ago and was attempting to use it when I was interrupted…. By my grandma.…. who slammed the door and helped that Colossus pile drive me."  
He looked over at bearded and beary who were getting a set of vitals.  
"I didn't kill her did I?"  
"Naw, brother.", Beary answered with a Cajun accent, "You gave granny here one hell of a fright though!"  
The cajun bear turned to wink at Cas who turned his head back to talk to Dean.… who appeared to be chewing his bottom lip off in an attempt not to laugh.  
"You didn't hear her come in?" Dean asked.  
"I had my iPod on. Honestly that may have been what got her attention since everyone else was gone."  
"Wait… why would that get her attention?"  
"Well I was… sort of singing "Eye of the tiger"…."  
"With the air guitar?" Dean's face was red now and Castiel thought he might have heard a rib crack.  
"Actually I had to stop myself."  
With that, Dean's professional demeanor imploded and he doubled over laughing.  
"Get it together boy!" Shouted the older bearded one.  
"I'm sorry!" Gasped out Dean in between laughs. "But this huge thing, *laugh* eye of the tiger *long inhale* *more laughing* Colossus *gasp* thought he killed her!"  
At least through Dean's eyes he could see the funny side of it. Judging by the pain in his rectum, it would be a long time before he laughed about it himself though. He smiled watching Dean laugh with his whole body.  
"I know I just met you and all Cas", Dean started when he could breathe semi normally again, "but don't ever change…. except for maybe your choice in fake dicks….".


End file.
